Murphy's Law and Mistletoes
by SpongeGuy
Summary: A Christmas Gift For Green Hornet. Part of The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy AU. Milo tries to Kiss Melissa Under Mistletoe.


"…Milo, you're 32 years old, married, and you've been dating Melissa for 15 years now."

"…Your point?"

"Why is kissing Melissa under mistletoe such a big deal?"

Zack's "totally not spiked" spiked egg nog shook in its container as Milo, bearded and betrothed, watched out for his wife of 7 years now, Melissa Anne Chase Murphy from the broom closet of the Murphy-Dakota-Cavendish household.

A broom fell, but both ignored it, since let's be honest, Murphy's Law is not much but background noise for the two by then.

"Zack, Zack, Zack…", Milo chided as he pulled at his own stubble, his bright eyes now slightly less bright, but still illuminating, even in the dark. "If you don't know by now the "Mistletoe Mayhem", then…"

Zack sighed, sitting back. "Milo, Milo, Milo. If you don't know that I've seen almost every Murphy story, and thus know that something always goes wrong, then well I don't know what to tell you."

The two best friends of so many years now sat down on the floor, almost like they were kids again.

So much was unspoken, yet felt.

They had seen each other go through so much.

This seemed small, but to Milo, ever since he had finally won… Well, he was able to take life like he once did: Everything was an adventure.

There was nothing to fear anymore, but the sitcom situations.

As he swept away a cobweb, Milo sighed knowingly. "Yeah, I know you know. But still!"

Forehead was cupped as Milo expositioned Zack's ear off, the egg nog only slightly helping.

"Despite Murphy's Law allowing me to be with Melissa, and despite it getting weaker as I age, it still won't allow me one thing: A mistletoe kiss with her!"

Zack nodded, half listening, as Milo droned on.

"I've tried over and over and over!", Milo narrated, as a few situations played out.

"I tried at college parties!"

A 20 year old Milo, decked out in a red Griffyndor esque jumper, approached a 20 year old Melissa under the mistletoe, the red head dressed in a blue ravenclawe esque jumper.

But just as Milo got close, a football dropped in his hands and he was run over by a college football team, Melissa giggling as Bradley and Lydia furiously made out on a table behind her.

"COLLEGE! YES!", Bradley shouted out.

"I tried at wedding anerverseries!"

A 27 year old Milo passed by the jubilant figures of 58 year olds Balthazar Cavendish-Dakota and Vinnie Cavendish-Dakota, looking optimistic as ever.

"It was a good idea to hold the annerversary early, Vinnie darling!", Cavendish complimented, his wrinkling face beaming at his partner. "Now we don't have to literally burn cash and rent out our park spot!"

Dakota, looking happier than he had been in a long time, kissed his husband's cheek. "I'm happy if you're happy."

He sighed contently. "I'm happy in general. Heh. Whoda thunk?"

Milo, meanwhile, edged closer to the mistletoe, decked out in a celebratory tuxedo.

A ring sparkled on Melissa's finger as she turned to see him, dressed in her old bridal outfit and grinning.

But just before Milo could kiss her, a football fell into his hands and he was run over by a college football team in bridal outfits.

"And last year was the worst one!"

31 year old Milo, decked out in football gear, ran across the pitch to the center circle, looking for Melissa, who was dressed like a coach, chewing gum and holding a clipboard.

Milo winked at Melissa as he approached the mistletoe but then…

A hockey puck fell in his hands and a hockey team with Richard Nixon masks ran over him.

"I mean, that one was just unfair! The football team at least compensated me with ice cream each time!", Milo complained, as Zack nodded, disinterested.

"So what's your brilliant plan this time? Dress up as an offside line so they won't cross you?"

Milo snorted and waved the suggestion off. "Silly Zack! I did that 4 years ago, remember? I was run over by an offside line that time!"

With determined eyes, Milo kicked the door open, causing it to fall on top of Nate.

"Typical!", he cried out as Milo stepped out, hands on his hips.

"But this time, no one will run over me! Least of all a car!"

Outside, the cars wept. Why did senpai not want them to run over him?

Zack walked up to Milo and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He smiled sadly, but knowingly. "Milo, buddy… This happens every year. It's not even funny! Why don't you give it a rest? You get to kiss her every other day of the year!"

Milo smiled, intoxicated. "Yeah…"

He then shook his head, back in reality. "But this is different! This is a mistletoe kiss! All the couples do it!"

"Sam and I don't."

"Yeah, well, tough. I'm kissing Melissa if it's the last thing I do!"

Milo then reached into his backpack and pulled out a giant magnet with a strap, causing Zack to raise his eyebrows in surprise.

"I don't get it.", Zack commented, taking an egg nog cup from a passing plate held by Peter Parker.

Milo chuckled as he strapped the device on. "This, my friend, is the Milo Murphy Chick Magnet! Patent pending."

He patted the device as it turned on, blaring bright red. "This baby can attract any metal in the world, and thanks to the… Little metal I snuck in to Melissa's protein shake this morning, this should work like a charm!"

"Yeah… How little was that metal?"

_Melissa walked back in, her morning jog delayed for a moment, while Milo read a newspaper._

_"__Milo, this might be just me, but my protein shake tastes like parts of our car."_

_Milo feigned innocence, whistling. "Why… How odd…"_

Zack took all this in and asked a natural question.

"How does Melissa know how her car tastes?"

Milo patted his friend's shoulder. "A good question that I will never answer. Now, to the kiss!"

Milo walked down the hall of his house, passing a smiling Joni dancing with a shy Mort, the pitter patter of the Garcia-Shapiro-Flynn-Fletcher children and Bradley and Lydia aggressively making out on the tree.

"Careful on the decorations! Watch out on those robot reindeer!", Amanda Lopez, disguised as a normal person so no one would know she is President of the United States Amanda Lopez, directed the guests at the party.

She suddenly turned violently and pointed at the source of her anger. "Sara Kate Murphy-From the Comic Shop, if you so much as TOUCH that folded napkin and origami it into a Time Ape, you will WISH you were snapped!"

Sara, now with glasses and ugly sweater, stepped away from the napkin, sheepishly laughing.

Milo neared his destination, ignoring the snow patterns on the window, the sounds of laughter and joy and the jingle of bells on Diogee Junior's feet.

Amanda sighed, taking a long sip from the egg nog. "Whoever brought the vodka and spiked the egg nog, you have my eternal gratitude."

Perry winked, hiding his bottle under his fedora.

Milo's feet finally stopped underneath the mistletoe and infront of Amanda.

All it took was a simple nod for Amanda to know what was up.

"Don't worry. You'll get it this time."

Milo smiled, but then Amanda prodded him hard in the chest. "And I mean it: Get it this time. I will not lose to pay up to Candace again!"

Candace and Buford giggled, waving wads of cash from their space next to the fireplace.

Amanda growled and walked over to them, as Milo took a deep breath.

He HAD to get this right.

Not just for him, but for Melissa!

She deserved the best mistletoe kiss ever, especially after 17 years of missing out!

His magnet began to heat up and whistle as a bunch of keys and nails stuck to it.

Melissa, who looked about the same, save for a more mature face and a journalist's cap, was busy talking to Isabella when she heard Milo call her name out.

Milo cheered as she began turning. THIS WAS IT!

But just before she could notice…

"Well, I did it! My new invention! The Magnetic-Inator! It makes me magnetic!", Doof announced proudly, as he stepped out of the bathroom.

Stacy and Perry, who were reminiscing on the glory days, turned to him confused. "…Why, Uncle Doof?", Stacy asked, and Perry raised an eyebrow too, confounded bu his friend.

Doof took a moment and shrugged. "I dunno!"

Suddenly, Doof found himself flying across the room, straight towards Milo, who began to panic.

"Oh no! Oh no! Turn off!", Milo shouted, pressing the button repeatedly, but instead the machine charged up, pulling Doof faster.

"Look out!", Doof shouted as he and Milo braced for impact and…

BRUSH BRUSH BRUSH!

"We didn't kiss, Zack! He crashed onto my forehead!", Milo explained as he and Doof rubbed their band aid covered foreheads in regret.

"I know, but I gotta brush all this egg nog off.", Zack explained, and he spat out his tooth paste.

Wiping his mouth with a Ducky Momo towel, Zack turned around and gave Milo a sympathetic glance.

"Milo, buddy, look… Maybe this isn't meant to be…"

Milo shook his head, though, refusing to give up.

"Zack, I've braved through pistachions, aliens, teen angst and series finales! I can take on one measly kiss!"

Stepping out of the bathroom, Milo took out a vynil record and inserted it into his portable record player.

"Plan B, I choose you!", Milo said, posing and suddenly turning a baseball hat around.

Zack and Doof offered dry looks from inside the bathroom.

"…You've been waiting a long time to say that one, haven't you?"

Marking off an item in his bucket list, Milo grinned. "Maybe…"

Suddenly, conga music began to play, and Milo, dressed with a moustache, began to clap his hands. "Christmas Conga line, everybody! Let's head over to the mistletoe and then stop when we reach Melissa! For no reason whatsoever!"

Zack and Doof, who had nothing better to do, shrugged and joined, and soon, everyone who wasn't Melissa were waving their hands and conga lining.

EXCEPT FOR THE SPONGE IN THE BUNNY COSTUME!

The police arrested him.

Anyhow, the conga line was advancing quickly! Here to commentate are Green Hornet and SpongeGuy!

"And Milo is quickly advancing down that living room! He's already collected an assortment of supporting characters and ensemble darkhorses and he is scoring yardage like no man!", SpongeGuy announced. "Hornet, your thoughts?"

"I'll tell ya, SpongeGuy, this has been a tough season for the Murphy boy! He's failed to score a MMK (Melissa Mistletoe Kiss) in 16 seasons! But I feel like the fates are with him! He's got wind in his sails!"

"I once bought a sail at the hardware store! Named it Jimmie!"

"That was redundant, but how's he doing?"

"He's majoring in telemarketing, we are so proud!"

"Anyway", Hornet continued, "Milo should make it to Melissa, as long as nothing goes wrong!"

"Ohhhhh you said the thing!"

"Yes I did!"

"You sure did!"

"Diddly diddly did!"

"Did did do didly do!"

"Diday ddie dedo!"

"Dane Cook!"

As the commentators continued... Talking? Milo neared Melissa, but just before he could position himself under the mistletoe…

"NOW, SHEGO!"

A giant net swooped them all up, and they soon found themselves in the incompetent clutches of Dr. Drakken!

(goes through script)

Who wrote this trash?

"MWAHAHAHAHA!", Drakken laughed as Shego entered the cockpit and sat next to him. "This is my most INGENIUS plan yet!"

He gesticulated at the trapped conga liners, before pointing at a Club Banana. "Using these hostage conga liners I randomly picked, we will dump them into this Millennial clothes store and make them… WAIT IN LINE!"

Roaring with evil laughter, he began pounding the control panel. "It's GENIUS I tell you! GENIUS!"

Shego, who had spent the entire monologue filing her nails and rolling her eyes, now disinterestedly took notice of her boss. "Yeah, great, one question, Dr. Mr. Evil genius: What the heck does this actually accomplish?"

Drakken scratched his chin in confusion. "Well, uh… You see… Ooh…"

Drakken, realizing none of this mattered, slumped down onto his seat and sighed. "I really HAVE lost my touch."

Resigned to his fate, he turned the chair around and observed the trapped characters.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, my plan has turned out to be quite… Pointless. Um… How about an apology in the form of a nice home made goulash?"

A few minutes later…

"Well, that Goulash WAS incredible, but it won't be as incredible as kissing Melissa under the mistletoe!", Milo told Zack, and he marched off.

Zack, holding a bowl of goulash and a "I survived a Drakken attack" sticker, sighed morosely. "Great. More shenanigans. Can't just have a quiet day of getting kidnapped and drunk on egg nog."

And so, for the rest of the party, Milo tried to seal the kiss over and over again.

He shut all the lights off, but he ended up kissing a moose.

The moose wasn't interested in anything serious though.

Milo then tried to freeze time, but that ended up in a law suit from Dio Brando.

Yes, that was gratuitios.

He tried disguises, he tried Twister!

He tried in the bathroom and in the kitchen!

He tried Dasher, Dancer, Donner and Blitzen!

I should stop rhyming, I don't know how!

Anyway, Milo tried every way he could think of, but Murphy's Law continued to strike back, forcing poor Milo to walk with a cast.

Moping at the balcony, his leg kept up by a wooden chair and forced to listen to Zack and Sara sing drunkingly off key…

_"__But now I'll go sit on the floor_

_Wearing your clothes_

_All that I know is_

_I don't know how to be something you missed_

_Never thought we'd have a last kiss_

_Never imagined we'd end like this_

_Your name, forever the name on my lips!"_

"I really should get Zack off the egg nog…", Milo thought, as the party continued to slow down.

Most couples and family were now just lazily hanging around, talking about everything and nothing, remembering the past and anticipating the future.

The fireplace glittered and glowed, and Milo sighed as the sun set had been replaced with twinkling stars.

It seemed an awfully random thing to be upset about…

But Milo truly wanted to give Melissa what she deserved.

Melissa, the girl who had given him everything.

Melissa, his friend from the very beginning.

Melissa, who had somehow agreed to stay with him her whole life.

Whose kiss kept him alive.

Kept his want to be alive.

Milo felt a small tear shed as he crossed his arms.

Suddenly, tiny snowflakes began to cascade upon him, and he looked up to see them spread like a blanket across the horizon.

From the trees to the road to the rooftops to the mountains, all were warmly tucked in by the white powder that somehow didn't feel cold.

Such a beautiful sight almost cheered poor Milo up, and for a moment, his wish began to feel even stronger.

Milo knew that Santa couldn't be contacted; he was VERY busy right now.

But he could still make a Christmas wish, if he put all his love into it.

"For Melissa… Anything.", he thought, so he closed his eyes shut, not noticing the footsteps behind him get closer and closer.

"For Christmas, I only want one thing: I wish I could give Melissa the love and happiness she deserves. I wish I could pay back an ounce of what she gives me every day."

His voice stammered for a moment as another tear fell.

"I wish… I wish I could earn every second she's chosen to spend with me."

Closing his eyes, he felt serene and at peace. Somehow, he knew that as ever, all would work out in the end.

And then he got whacked on the head.

"Ow!", he cried out as Melissa giggled, now in front of him.

Pulling a hat down on his head, she joked "Milo, don't be silly! You own me nothing!"

Milo felt sheepish and he was now very red as he peaked from his scarf. "Yes I do!"

Melissa, shaking her head, sat down in a third chair in front of him and observed him humorously. "All right then: Let's hear it."

Milo now felt a little embarrassed. Maybe she'd find it stupid?

"I'd… I'd rather not say."

Melissa raised an eyebrow. "Milo, you really think I'll tease you?"

"It's not impossible!"

"But it is stupid. Milo, just tell me!"

Realizing he needed it, she put a comforting hand over his, her delicate fingers calming him down instantly.

They always did that.

"I promise I won't laugh.", she said, in the most genuine of voices.

Milo, feeling a little better, looked up and sighed, resigned to his fate.

"I wanted to give you a mistletoe kiss. But as ever, I failed."

He sat back and crossed his arms.

"Every year, Murphy's Law stops me. Every single time. And… Well… You deserve a mistletoe kiss."

He closed his eyes, sad. "But I guess I'll never be able to give you what you deserve."

His eyes then opened when Melissa put her forehead onto his. "By now, you should know that I love you, warts and all."

Milo chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I'm a slow learner."

Melissa grinned and then lifted him up, gesturing to a mistletoe that she had hung above them before sitting next to him. "Thank goodness I'm fast."

Milo's eyes widened in realization, only to dim again. "But how are you going to beat…"

Melissa shushed him. "Just let this happen."

Clearing her throat, Melissa started to slide her foot, as if she were falling. "Oh, no!", she called out fakely, making Milo laugh. "It seems as if I'm about to fall! Would be a shame if I fell onto Milo, what with his cast and all!"

Milo laughed a bit more, before realizing something. "Wait, Melissa, my leg really does hurt!…"

But it was too late.

Melissa crashed onto him thanks to Murphy's Law, but despite the screams of pain, Milo admitted that the kiss was as sweet as he had dreamed of.

Lying on top of each other, her ginger curls tickling his nose, Milo smiled at his wife. "I love you."

Melissa laughed softly and kissed him again. "Merry Christmas to you too, Milo…"

As they kissed, a rip in the time space continuum suddenly happened, and a certain other ginger action girl popped in with her best friend lover.

Surveying the area, she sighed and face palmed. "Ron! This is not my parent's house! How did you get us into this universe?"

Ron scratched his head. "I guess I really should have listened to all of Wade's instructions."

Kim Possible grunted in annoyance. "SOOO the drama!"


End file.
